Thursday, March 19, 2009

Now all I need is a belfry

So, the other night, I was lying in bed on my way to the Dreaming. There was a squirrel outside making some noise or another and I was looking up at the ceiling at the moving patterns the blinds made as a car went in or out of the parking lot. The squirrel must be in the tree right outside the window. Then another car drives through the parking lot making that pattern on the ceiling. Then again.

Wait. I didn't hear a car. At that point I'm really looking at the ceiling and see something go right across it. Oh, my God, there's a bird in here! So I jump out of bed and turn on the light and, yup, there's a bird circling around inside my bedroom. So I quickly remembered my glasses were in the bathroom and went to fetch them. I wonder how it got in, is there a window broken somewhere? I came back to the bedroom and stopped.

That's not a bird.

That's a bat.

THERE'S A MOTHERFUCKING BAT FLYING AROUND MY MOTHERFUCKING BEDROOM.*

Quickly, I closed the bedroom door and ran to the closet to get a bedsheet to catch it in. Well, OK, first I screamed like a woman in a 50s science-fiction B-movie, then ran to the closet to get a bedsheet. On my way back to my bat-filled bedroom, I also grabbed the broom. Why? I don't know. I guess bats are like spiders in that sense.

Back at the bedroom. Deep breath. Ready to open the door and throw the sheet over the bat and quickly catch it. Open the door. Cue dramatic music.

Nothing.

What? Where did it go? Walk over to the windows to see if one is broken. Nope. Check behind the blinds to make sure they're bat-free. OK, I'll open one so when I find the bat, I'll just shoo it out. Window's open. Screen's not. Screen won't open. Great, I have a rodent flying around my apartment and I can't even open a window to get rid of it.

Go back to the living room and open the patio door. Fortunately, the weather is warming up, so it's only about sixty outside. I can live with that.

I grab a flashlight and head back to the bedroom. I start looking around, under, inside, and through things. Nothing. No bat. Well, I *know* it's here. There's no other route out of the bedroom and I've kept the door closed every time I left. Keep looking.

I finally found it hiding behind the filing cabinet. Naturally, it had to decide to hide behind the heaviest thing I own. After moving the CD rack and the lamp, I've got enough room to grab the filing cabinet and pull it back. Yup, there it is, on the floor. I poke it with the broom enough to push it out from behind the filing cabinet. Grab a towel and run to the far side, at which point he decides to crawl back behind the cabinet. So I pull the cabinet out another six inches and throw the towel over the chirping thing.

Gently, I scooped it up in the towel and hightailed it outside. Putting the towel down, I shook it apart a bit and the bat chirped a few more times then lopsidely flew away to hide under the eaves of the building not far away.

Yeah, it was kind of icky. It was a bat after all. But you know, under different circumstances, he was enough like a little furry creature that it would have been kind of cute, too. But not flying around my bedroom at the wee hours of the morning.

At this point, it was pushing 1 am, I'd been running around the apartment, and moving furniture. Sleep was not quick in coming. So that explains why I'm a bit sleep deprived this week.

* With apologies to Samuel L. Jackson.

5 comments:

Glock21 said...

Had a similar incident not so long ago: Home Invasion!

But I achieved new levels of shame in dealing with it. So naturally I posted the story on the internet.

moon-grrl said...

Bats are awfully cute (and useful, since they eat mosquitoes), but I would not be happy to find one in my living space. There's just something about wild, potentially bite-y rodents on the loose. *shudder*

Have you figured out how it got in?

Fig said...

I've had 2 bats in my bedroom 4 years apart.

The first one Joanne chased outside with a broom while I screamed like a 1950s housewife in a b movie...not because I am scared of bats but because I thought it was a bird. And I *HATE* birds (unless they are far away or cooked)

The next one Sean caught in a towel and brought it outside while I yelled at him not to hurt it.

Anonymous said...

Many years ago when Narci was in Austin Montessori pre-school, the Univ of Texas Chemistry Dept was renovating its attic in the old four story building. One day one of the department's staff, a prim young woman, visited the Ladies facilities on the fourth floor. When appropriately seated, she heard a rustle or something, and took a closer look under the seat.

The casual observer in the fourth floor hallway just saw a woman exit the Ladies room hysterically screaming something about a bat. I'm afraid she was in a bad state, and I don't think she worked there for very long thereafter.

I don't think she used "motherfucker," but her message was clear.

By the way, the attic contained neat stuff such as Lavoisier might have used, in addition to the collection of bats.

Jonathan said...

If this happened in our home?

me:

Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't you? You b*stard!