Waitaminute?!

There's a strange rumor going around that Simon Cowell is straight. What? Are you kidding me? With his signature tight T-shirts and Armani trousers, the man epitomises "bitchy queen."

Some of us don't have the best gaydar in the world, and we don't need straight guys messing things up for us, you know. Damn metrosexuals ruining it for everyone...